Friday, August 24, 2001

So how did you do with your exam? Ok, I laid myself open for this, by saying that I was going for it, talking about working for it. The truth: I donít know. I did better than I did last time, I did the best I could and there is no way Iím going to do it again. I suspect that, if I pass, it will be by the barest minimum - there was quite a bit of stuff I couldnít do. Just to prove that it is possible to learn from mistakes, as soon as I opened the paper, I skipped over section A and went for section B (answer one word question from three), then deliberately went for the multi-part one which (unexpectedly) I could actually do. Then I went back to section A (answer both questions and no choice) and realised there were parts I could do and parts I couldnít, so I did what I could and guessed some of what I couldnít and was so pleased that I had a calculator! (The calculator had tried to go awol, but was retrieved from its attempts to burrow under the bed).

I tried to party, but my heart wasnít in it: I hennaíd my hair with chestnut henna (but washed it off after the minimum amount of time and put down newspapers, so there wasnít a mess); I ate a slice of the Buffy birthday cake, which was absolutely awful. I felt completely empty. Now, next day, all I can do is cry. Correction: all I can do is sit at work (the thoughtful boss has provided a mountain of work, damn it, I was only off one day!) and try to work. Thereís a big milestone due next week, the sort where we work round the clock and remember that sleep is for wusses.

The feelings are beginning to come back: thereís a whirlpool of fear and anger and resentment building up inside me which I have to divert in some innocuous direction so that I can get my balance back. Obviously 40 lengths isnít going to be enough at swimming this Friday!

And the family problems are back again.

Later: feel slightly better, perhaps enticed by the promise of watching a video tonight (though video might not work) and finishing off the Buffy birthday cake. My hair is almost golden, quite pleasant, Iím pleased with it. I have to start sorting out the videos - like everything else, they are in a mess.

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